Time Warp

I spent most of my life feeling as if there was not enough time.  At war with time. Resisting the things I had to do, worrying about the things I should do, pining for the things I wanted to do but couldn't find time to do.  I had recurring nightmares about time as a young girl. I dreamed of missing the school bus, missing deadlines, of being left behind because I had gotten the time wrong.  I often felt I was misusing time, spending too little on the important things and too much on the trivial. I raced through life running for a future that never materialized, dissolving as soon as I  reached the finish line.

As you might have observed,  my internal critic has always been hyper-vigilant, and no activity or investment has been spared from over analysis.  Time management was such an easy target and provided ample opportunity for self-criticism. (Of course I was fully  aware that I was spending too much time overanalyzing!)

Now I have the luxury of time.  An abundance of time.  Few obligations.  I am trying to relax into the gift, but old habits persist.  The same questions nag me. How much time should one allow for just being?  Have I overstepped my limit?   Is there something else I should be doing?  Am I wasting time?

But underneath that familiar current of self doubt, I am glimpsing something strange in the flow of my life.  I have had the strange sensation of experiencing my past as if it was the present....not simply a memory, but a total immersion experience that flashes through my body.  It happens quickly. It comes without warning.  It is as if I am transcending linear time and living in multiple time zones. As it passes, the experience leaves a trace of cascading emotions, followed by a softening, an acceptance of the road taken.  Then the door closes.  These mini time warps are happening with some regularity and are triggered by a variety of stimuli.  

The other day, I was swimming laps.  About 20 minutes into my swim, I experienced myself as a seven year old at swim team practice in our community pool in Delaware.  It wasn't simply a memory that flashed in my mind, but the physical sense that my body was younger and smaller, and that the thoughts running through my mind became that of my younger self. My arms and legs were shorter, and my skin was younger and smoother.   The pool itself transformed. I could see the shadow of trees standing guard on the far side of the chain link fence and hear the poolside chatter of children and the voice of my coach.   And then in a few strokes, I dropped back into the present.  And then a flood of associated memories came rushing back, memories  clearer and more vivid than I am usually able to retrieve.

Maybe this is the reward for doing less...I am either going crazy or living in my own Matrix!  Maybe this is my chance to peek behind the veil....