The weather here has turned. Clear skies have given way to gray. The cloud cover blankets the sky. Some days the sky is streaked with thin wispy clouds and patches of blue sky . Other days, the clouds boil up from the horizon, sometimes white and sometimes edged in steel gray. They roll out to the edges of the landscape like lumpy batting tumbling out of a threadare quilt.
Today, I sat home alone. There is no sky. Instead, a soupy haze of gray has enveloped the apartment building. No form or shape is visible from the many windows which look out onto the city. The wind is furious as it lashes againt the worn sashes of the window and door frames. The pelting rain knocks persistently at the kitchen window.
I am lying on the couch, a comforter pulled up to my chin, feeling impossibly sad. I have spent most of the day reading. I have several books open at once; THE SOUL's JOURNEY, THE MAGIC OF REALITY, U-TURN and THE UNDERCOVER ECONOMIST. None has been working for me. So the other day I downloaded Will Schwalbe's THE END OF YOUR LIFE BOOK CLUB. Today was the perfect day to finish it off. I am not sure why I decided to sample it. The premise is depressing. A mother is diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in her early seventies. She and her adult son form a book club of sorts, using books, poetry and short stories as a way to deepen their relationship with one another. Reading is a common passion they share. Their books unlock memories, stir controvery and awake consciousness. The books they read togeher provide the scaffolding for intimate discussions that bring you into the bosom of this extraordinary woman and her family. As Will reflects on his mother's values, her accomplishments and the causes which she has championed, you can't help but wish that you had been in her circle of friends. It is an impressive circle. She keeps company with artisits, educators, writers, political dowloades, refugees, students and scholars. She travels to forsaken war ravaged corners of the world, working tirelessly to improve the lot of refugees. She has a longstanding marriage that ai close, but not smothering. She is a doting grandmother and the architect of family celebrations.
This is the woman I had hoped to be. Don't get me wrong. It's not that I want to be exactly like In many ways, we are not that different.) And it's not that I am unhappy with my life. I am blessed. (Afterall, I have a loving husband, three wonderful children, three healthy grandkids and a beautiful home in one of the prettiest towns in America. I have seen much of the world. I have had a full career, plenty of hobbies and most important, good health.)
But had I done a better job of it, I would have lived closer to my values. I would have been less fearful, bolder, with a stonger voice. I would have accomplished more, with less stress. I would have spoken out when I disagreed rather than trying to keep the peace. Had I done that, I think all of my relationships would have been strengthened. I believe my family would be closer. Perhaps more than anything, I envied this woman the closeness she shared with her children and grandchildren. And the closeness they shared amongst each other.
I learned much from this book. I related to Mary Ann's deep appreciation for other people's talents and the humility with she embraced her role as an audience member rather than star player. I was reminded why my thirst for reading is insatiable and the many ways in which reading has enriched my own life. I was reminded of my own mother, how much I love her and how much I would miss her if she were to die....in fact, how much I would miss any of the people I love should they die. I wondered about the legacy I will leave behind when my number is up. As Will said, " we are all dying." So in the meantime, I plan to make a concerted effort to live well, and live closer to the beliefs and values that I hope will enrich my remaining years. Surely books will still be a big part of that life (thanks to Will and Mary Ann my list of must-reads has grown substantially), but hopefully there will be so much more....and hopefully the sun will come out tomorrow!
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